Those Crazy Catholics

One of human mom's mother's friends (I love those sort of descriptions) learned of my friend, Finny's osteosarcoma problems and sent holy water to put on him. I will fully grant the thought was incredibly sweet but as someone who is not catholic and is not a fan of religion in general (except the Most Holy Church of Mr. Stinny) the prospect of writing a thank you letter was just fabulous. (Human mom was brought up catholic but does not believe in it anymore although she does respect others right to believe.) As human uncle pointed out to human mom, I mean really, how many times do you get to write a thank you letter for holy water!!!! Here is a potential draft (of course, a nice grateful and polite letter was actually sent but we are not grateful and polite here in mr. stinny land):

Dear __________
Thank you very much for thinking of Finnegan and me. I was pleasantly surprised to find a small plastic bottle with Holy Water inscribed in it. Because I have not been to church in many many years, I am not fully familiar with what one does with holy water. Do I squirt it in his face and yell "SON! YOU ARE SAVED!"? Is speaking in tongues and rolling around on the ground advised? (that would be awesome!) I intend to watch as many evangelical shows as possible this weekend for guidance in the use of HOLY WATER! (it can also be used as an expletive instead of HOLY SHIT!). Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and prayers even though Finnegan, ___ and I don't believe in that stuff. By the way, I squirted on it and he still was diagnosed with cancer. What now?

Very Truly Yours,